rodbarrett

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featuring fayetteville’s favorite citizen zachariah wait

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no holdzzz barred #3

X MEN ORIGINS : WOLVERINE (leaked copy)
starring Hugh Jackman, Liev Shrieber, that fuckwit from the Black eyed peas, Ryan Reynolds, a Famke Jansen lookalike, a billion extras who get jackmanned, an uncredited Patrick Stewart makes a surprise appearance at the end….
written by David Benioff (married to amanda peet, who i’m currently mind-porking, writer of excellent “25th hour”?!?!!, how much he was paid to write this movie is anyone’s guess)
directed by Sam Raimi’s 5th assistant director on Spidey 2 (most likely scenerio, too lazy to double check)………

First off, illegal downloading is wrong. I snitched on the guy who got me a copy and he’s currently getting assgasmed-on by the guy who leaked Chinese Democracy.

Secondly, for fans of the XMEN thrillogy, this movie does indeed feature a ripped, often pissed off Hugh Jackman. Fresh off the limp one-two slap of “the music man” on Broadway, and prancing around on the tony awards, Jackman is back where he belongs- mean mugging as wolverine. For any casual fan who may have questioned HJ’s sexuality, this explosion fest will make you red in the face, literally. Jackman’s all man, absolutly no pussy shit here loyal barred readers. Forget about “Kate and Leopold”, forget about Jackman wussing around time in “The fountain”, The real Jackman’s back. I couldn’t he happier, or hornier. (yes, he is nude in the movie, but pausing is fruitless, no dick)

WOLVERINE starts as any origin story would. SPOILER ALERT(the title of this film is X MEN ORIGINS)
Young Logan (WOLFMAN) gets pissed and kills his father, who he learns isn’t his father, we also learn that Logan is some sort of mutant, and other juicy tidbits sure to prepare anyone for the badass opening credit sequence.

ENTER OPENING CREDIT SCENE - the best opening credit sequence of any illegally downloaded movie EVAR (props to Kegwood)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This sequence is a lot like the 3 doors down video for “citizen soldier”, except featuring Jackman, and Brother Victor (Liev Schreiber - fresh from the epic impregnation of Naomi Watts, and playing the Joe Lo Trulio nemisis in The Ten)
kicking ass and taking names in every war throughout recorded history. All this bloodshed has dire consequences for Victor, he turns into a maniacal clusterfuck of bloodlust. The opposite is true for pussed out buzzkill Jackman. For some unknown reason, he starts to view the killing of no name losers as somehow wrong. Needless to say Jackman spends a lot of time sulking, and occasionally pouting. WOLFDICK and VICTOR are fugitives who can only rely on one another, until they meet some other dudes into the same shit……….

What wolverine has too sulk about is beyond the imagination of this reviewer. For one, WOLFMAN is banging a woman who so closely resembles smoking hot Famke Jansen, that he could easily pretend he IS banging blinding bombshell Famke Jansen. Two, he’s gotten to kill hundreds of losers THROUGHOUT HISTORY. Three, he has some sort of mutant abilities. Four, he’s surrounded by obvious nitwits like that fuckwit from the Black eyed peas, and the shitdick of all limpdicks, Ryan Reynolds ( a poor mans Ryan Gosling, somehow convinced Scarlet Johanson to take his hand is the sacred rite of marital bliss??????)

SPOILER ALERT (Victor kills Jansen lookalike, maybe?????????)(Jackman once again gets to yell “NOOOOOOOOOOO” while looking to an empty godless sky, and pouting.)

THE BULK of wolverine pits brother against brother, this is powerful stuff. Schrieb gets to hop around looting and killing, and mutant wrangling, while WOLFPUSS gets to figure out how to kill a man who impregnated goddess Naomi Watts. No easy task.
Let’s just say WOLVERINE ORIGIN STORY IS REVEALED IN THIS MOVIE, and leave it at that. I’d hate to spoil it.

Wolverine is revealed to be a pretty complex guy. How does a reject of society fit into said society? How does a brother battle his own fucking brother???? How did Ryan Reynold wed megababe Scarlet Johanson????????? Why is that guy from the blcak eyed peas allowed to act??????? Where is the best site to download nude pics of Famke Jansen?????????????????? and so on…………………. Why wait until the end of the movie to reveal badass Patrick Stewart?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

All in ALL , X MEN ORIGINS : WOLVERINE delivers. It is in fact an X Men related movie about the origin story of WOLVERINE. It features a few battle scenes, Jackman punching a fat guy, the murder of some elderly couple, some chase scenes, 2 hott chicks, Jackman jumping into a waterfall all Fugitive style and nude (This sequence was guest directed by David Cronenberg), and last but not least, the origin story of WOLVERINE.

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no holdzz barred #2

Ang Lee (director) / Daniel Woodrell (novel), James Schamus (screenplay)
CAST: Skeet Ulrich �. Jack Bull Chiles
Tobey Maguire �. Jake Roedel
Jewel Kilcher �. Sue Lee Shelley
Jeffrey Wright �. Daniel Holt

i watched Ride with the Devil alone, dry dicked, so you don’t have to…Get a pack of profos, some doritos, invite over the chick,chicks, or dude of your choice and gets ta fuckin. You guessed it, RWTD’s a western, with Tobey Maguire(comic book nerd/cock block victim/symbol of innocence of The Ice Storm, sad sack straight guy to crazy eyed Micheal Douglas in Wonder Boys, Spidey in Spidey-man123(4)), Skeet Ulrick (unclaimed shit son of Jeff Fahey and Treat Williams), Jewel (singer, pre-pop/country, post folk, massive juggs), Jeffrey Wright (pre shaft, W post basquiat, current black guy), Jonathan Ryhs Meyers (Henry 8 of The Tudors, badass of Match Point, chick candy), directed by foreigner Ang Lee (director Pre E Norton Hulk with E Bana, Sense N Sensability, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, etc…..be sure to mention this to the chick closest to you on the couch)(also pretend you’ve read the book this movie is based on “Woe to Live On”, and you will be “Close to getting your fuck on”- indeed)

During this movie be sure to look concerned and maybe pound your fist on the coffeetable in fake disbelief before you insert your prefered date rape drug of choice into your dates prefered beverage of choice, or skip this and instead pretend to be interesting, caring, etc… “This part of the American civil war happened only a few hundred miles from here, can you believe that?” is a good line, also “I’m really interested in this sad facet of our origins” will work too. Both these lines will get you megafucked, but don’t be greedy, you’ll need to get laid again at some point.

RWTD deals with friendships during wartime, unknown alliances, fighting for a world you no longer have a stake in ( I stole this last line from the Watchmen trailer- it’s going to rule), etc… Not to mention slavery, marriage, and the desire to be free. If you’re in a dry period (like this reviewer, unfortunately), this movie can serve up some Bro-down time, and you can tell your jaded, loser friends the same tired, bullshit jokes you’ve been bored to death of since 2002, cry yourself to sleep, or pretend to be excited about heading down to JR’s for another devastating round of Ms Pac Man, and another wasted night you’ll never get back.

All in all, RIDE is a powerful film, Lee’s most underrated, Maguire and Wright work well together, watching their friendship bloom under such oppresive circumstances seriously make me wish I had more black friends, or any friends period. Maguire’s shotgun wedding to Jewel made me wish I had the opportunity to knock up a woman and spend my life secretly hating her. Maybe I can, maybe we all will, who knows?

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sam mcpheeters article on crucifuks dude

http://www.viceland.com/int/v16n1/htdocs/the-troublemakers-515.php
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no holdz barred #1

I wanted to like X Files “I want to believe”, I loved it, I lust for it, I masturbated during it, unsuccessfully. X Files “IWTB” reteams
current sex addict, badass David Duchuvny as Fox Mulder, with past and present wet dream fantasy Gillian Anderson as Dana Scully. (SPOILER ALERT) No Aliens! (END SPLOILER ALERT) That’s right, no aliens! The film is a return to atmosphere of the early series, pre-Krachek, pre-black oil, pre-other dude besides Mulder, etc… The film is also a return to form for this reviewer as chronic masturbater, shut-in, god knows I needed this. God knows this movie could be about God.
The movie starts fast with an abduction of an FBI agent by two goons, or thugs if you object to the word goon. Co-Stars Amanda Peet and XZibit are then introduced as seasoned professionals in the post X FBI. Then FUCK, Scully’s back. DOUBLE FUCK, Mulder’s back. (SPOILER ALERT) Then jump to the end of the movie and you, my friend, are indeed TRIPLE FUCKED, SKinner’s back! Bitches!!!(END SPOILER ALERT) That wasn’t a typo, Agent Skinner, played flawlessly by veteran Mitch Pileggi, is back to business. His business in this film is saving Mulder’s ass from a weirdo couple of gay creeps trying to transplant head to body and other stuff. Not to give anything away but let’s just say that everything works out. XFIWTB is creepy most of the time, compelling some of the time, and on a few instances, funny. It features some of the most realistic fake beard work ever commited to film. FAQ?
Do Mulder and Scully fuck? Of course. Does Amanda Peet’s character fall on a metal rod after getting scared by a goon? Yes.
Is Xzibit back to his “Pimp My Ride” glory days? Absolutely, he pimped this movie. Check out his video “Dying II Live” in the special features. I’m dying to see it again. Does the gag reel feature a moment when, if paused, is grade A stroke material? I’m pounding it to said scene right this very second (Wednesday January 7, 2009. 4:41)
This movie is all this, plus Billy Connelly as a mysterious could-be psychic, definitely-is, kiddie fucker. Comments on Faith? How to continue when the world is against you? There are a few inside gags for megafans, several mentions of old villians, W. as Hoover sight gag, cameo by series creator Chris Carter, plus other things I can’t get to because I refuse to give you any added satisfaction. Fuck you guys. This movie rules. I will see it again soon.

this stuff…
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